Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Infertility Made Me Fat

I'm pretty sure it's taken me a good 10-11 years to actually admit that.  Even though I was never the "skinny girl", I wasn't always overweight either.

That's me dead center in front.  This was my senior year in high school.  Yes, I thought I was fat back then.  I wish I was that "fat" now!  Have you ever heard that saying "youth is wasted on the young."?  In my case, it's totally true.  I spent my youth "battling" my weight and I wasn't even considered overweight back then.

Fast forward three years.  I married my husband in 2000 at the tender age of 20.  I immediately threw out the birth control because my whole life, all I ever wanted was to have a huge family.  This is us on our honeymoon in March, 2000.  My how things have changed!

The next years in our reproductive history were a blur.  I found out I was pregnant in the summer of 2001 - I guess it should've been a clue to me that it took so long for me to get pregnant.  The very next day I miscarried our first child.  I don't even remember for sure the dates of the following two miscarriages, but I'll never forget the fourth.  September 2005, the doctor put me on Clomid.  I got pregnant immediately that first month.  About a week after finding out, I started having intense pain and after a few trips to the doctor on the same day, there in his office my fallopian tube burst from an ectopic pregnancy and I almost bled out right there.  Thank God I was at his office and not at home.  I was rushed to the hospital and there they removed not only the burst tube, but the other as well.  Seems one of my previous miscarriages had happened in the other tube and it was worthless.  For the next five years we pretty much did nothing but save money because IVF was our plan and that is expensive.  We never did that, but I'll share that story later.

This is us in 2006.  I NEVER wanted my full body to be photographed. As you can see my weight was out of control.  I'd gained about 30-35 pounds over the course of the year since my surgery.  I was eating my grief over the loss of my fertility.  While, I never gained much more than that, I have battled that weight for the last 7 or 8 years.  I am a yo-yo diet queen, losing and gaining it back like it's my job.  Only recently did I realize the deep rooted causes of my weight gain.  I hope that realizing the 'why' will help me to lose weight and keep it off this time.  I hope that I can address the bad eating behavior and stop it for good.  I struggle some days not to eat everything in sight.  I fight the strongest cravings sometimes, but now I know WHY I'm struggling.  I can start to step back and say "NO, you don't have to eat to find comfort!"

Here we are May 2013.  We have our boy (I'll talk about his story later, too!) and life is more great than not.  I'm working on bettering myself everyday.  Maybe writing it all out here will give me another way to combat the struggle I have with food.  I'm glad to have an outlet to vent and share what I'm feeling.  I promise every blog won't be so heavy!  

Hope your day is great!

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