A New Low and A New Start

I'll put it all out there and say that I've been having a terrible time the past few days with diet and exercise.  I was super motivated to hit it hard when the 90 Days 'Til Summer Challenge started, and then PMS hit me harder.  It's basically been 'eat all the foods' and 'lounge on the couch' for the past week.  I feel terrible!

So, thankfully, last night I had a good talk about things with my sister-in-law who is also on her own journey to lose weight.  Our paths are very different, but just talking things out with her really helped me to put things back into perspective and focus on why I'm doing this.

That being said, I have recognized in myself a problem with eating.  Basically if it's there, I can't help myself.  I seriously can not stop thinking about whatever terrible food is in the kitchen calling my name.  I eventually give in, eat way too much, and feel like shit - physically and emotionally.  So today, I will be cleaning out my kitchen of all the crap foods that I don't want in my body.  This will be good for my whole family!  None of us need to eat gummy worms.  Ever.  

Here's to rebooting.  May it be the last time I ever have to do it.  I'm expecting success and starting today I'm going to take control of my journey again....starting weight 170.2.  Yikes.  That's the heaviest I've ever been in my life and it's way too much for my 5'2" frame.  

Happy Friday!  I hope your weekend rocks!

Family Night Problems

Wednesdays are my hardest food day.  Wednesday night my family all gets together at my parent's house for family night dinners.  My mom is amazing and she tries to accommodate  my healthier eating, but at the same time she has to feed my entire family - not all of whom care what they shove in their faces!  Usually there will be dessert and carbs a plenty.  I won't lie either - many times I just eat it and call it my "cheat meal" (I hate that term), but I'm an all or nothing type of person and moderation just isn't my strong suit.  One little taste and I'm done.  It takes me days to get my diet back on track.  It's a problem.

It's cold and rainy here today, so tonight we're having regular chili, white chicken chili, and all the fixings that go along with that.  Plus there'll be some sort of dessert to tempt me to hell.  So tonight, I'll do my best to avoid the carbs and the desserts, and I'll enjoy the time together with my family!

In other news, I started an Instagram account for this blog last night, so feel free to follow along!

Happy hump day!

Infertility Made Me Fat

I'm pretty sure it's taken me a good 10-11 years to actually admit that.  Even though I was never the "skinny girl", I wasn't always overweight either.

That's me dead center in front.  This was my senior year in high school.  Yes, I thought I was fat back then.  I wish I was that "fat" now!  Have you ever heard that saying "youth is wasted on the young."?  In my case, it's totally true.  I spent my youth "battling" my weight and I wasn't even considered overweight back then.

Fast forward three years.  I married my husband in 2000 at the tender age of 20.  I immediately threw out the birth control because my whole life, all I ever wanted was to have a huge family.  This is us on our honeymoon in March, 2000.  My how things have changed!

The next years in our reproductive history were a blur.  I found out I was pregnant in the summer of 2001 - I guess it should've been a clue to me that it took so long for me to get pregnant.  The very next day I miscarried our first child.  I don't even remember for sure the dates of the following two miscarriages, but I'll never forget the fourth.  September 2005, the doctor put me on Clomid.  I got pregnant immediately that first month.  About a week after finding out, I started having intense pain and after a few trips to the doctor on the same day, there in his office my fallopian tube burst from an ectopic pregnancy and I almost bled out right there.  Thank God I was at his office and not at home.  I was rushed to the hospital and there they removed not only the burst tube, but the other as well.  Seems one of my previous miscarriages had happened in the other tube and it was worthless.  For the next five years we pretty much did nothing but save money because IVF was our plan and that is expensive.  We never did that, but I'll share that story later.

This is us in 2006.  I NEVER wanted my full body to be photographed. As you can see my weight was out of control.  I'd gained about 30-35 pounds over the course of the year since my surgery.  I was eating my grief over the loss of my fertility.  While, I never gained much more than that, I have battled that weight for the last 7 or 8 years.  I am a yo-yo diet queen, losing and gaining it back like it's my job.  Only recently did I realize the deep rooted causes of my weight gain.  I hope that realizing the 'why' will help me to lose weight and keep it off this time.  I hope that I can address the bad eating behavior and stop it for good.  I struggle some days not to eat everything in sight.  I fight the strongest cravings sometimes, but now I know WHY I'm struggling.  I can start to step back and say "NO, you don't have to eat to find comfort!"

Here we are May 2013.  We have our boy (I'll talk about his story later, too!) and life is more great than not.  I'm working on bettering myself everyday.  Maybe writing it all out here will give me another way to combat the struggle I have with food.  I'm glad to have an outlet to vent and share what I'm feeling.  I promise every blog won't be so heavy!  

Hope your day is great!